I’ve been putting off this feeling for a while. I just didn’t want to deal with my emotions in the middle of the week.
Two days ago, the grades for the neuronatomy exam was released. (I actually had a blog entry about my feelings after the exam. I said that I found the exam easy and I was feeling good about my grade.) In our medical school, you would be given a long strip of (folded & sealed) paper where your exam scores were written. Upon opening the paper, you would then see the score from each sub-test and, on the last column, the total score. Before looking at my scores, I was feeling hopeful. I was feeling confident and proud of what I thought I accomplished. Then, reality struck. I opened up the long strip of paper and just stared. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had a rush of so many emotions – disappointment, anger, disbelief, and finally shame. I was ashamed of my grade. I was ashamed that I actually thought that I would get a high grade. I was ashamed of actually believing that I could be one of the top scorers.
The exam had two parts: written and practical. There were 110 items and 105 items, respectively. Total was 225 items.
My score was 87/105 and 82/110.
Before distributing the scores our professor showed us the distribution of scores in the class. If you look at a graph, our scores would be skewed to the left. This means that majority of the people had high scores, with an average score of around 80. My score of 87 would mean that I would be just average. JUST AVERAGE.
I know it’s not a big deal for some people. Some would even be happy about the grade I got. But when you work so hard and the results don’t reflect the effort, it just hurts. It makes me doubt myself.
“Can I really do this?”
“Am I enough to be a doctor?”
I was actually beginning to feel a spark – like something ignited within me. For the first time in medical school, I felt that I was in the right place, that maybe, this was my calling. Maybe I was just doubting myself and that with hardwork, I would be worthy.
Then this happened.
I’m so frustrated.